I Didn't Think PTSD Would Cost Me This Much
by productofanolympianorgy
Summary: That's the thing about PTSD. It can happen in the most random places, at the most random times. You could be okay for years without an episode and then, WHAM! In this case, Skye's episode might just cost her everything. One-shot.


**AOS not mine. No copyright infringement. First fic.**

* * *

****"_..her heart stopped.."_

Those three words made Skye's heart stop. It wasn't supposed to be this way. It was supposed to be just a simple retrieval mission. No combat, no threats. A simple day on the job, really. No one on the team could pinpoint the exact moment everything went to shit but all of them could feel the devastation.

When the doctor came in with blood on her scrubs and a grave expression on her face, every one stood up to ask her about Jemma. She explained it to the team. Explained how the bullet entered Simmons' body and proceeded to shatter. How the fragments pierced a few vital organs. How there was too much blood and how, during the procedure being done to save her, her heart gave up.

After hearing that part of the doctor's explanation, Skye didn't hear anything else. She could hear nothing, aside from the blood rushing in her ears and the last words that the love of her life said to her. _I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. _Her mind kept repeating it to her. She loved hearing that so much that she could almost hear it in Jemma's voice. Complete with her adorable accent.

Skye felt numb. She just shut down. She didn't even realize that she was walking out of the room. She didn't notice the looks that her team, her family, was giving her. She couldn't look at them. She couldn't bear to see the look of pity they would surely be directing at her. She couldn't look at Fitz because she knew she wouldn't be able to handle the pain in his eyes, the look of someone who just lost his other half. She kept walking without knowing where she was going. She just knew she needed to get out. After a few minutes of walking, she looked up to see that she ended up on the roof looking over the city lights. She took a deep breath and released a shuddering breath. It felt too hard to breathe. There was a pain in her chest that made it hard to breathe, that made her feel like there were too many things inside her chest but, at the same time, made her feel like it was just empty.

She slid down the wall, her legs giving out under her. She put her head in her hands and tried to stop the tears that were threatening to fall. She looked at the view from where she was seated. "She would love this view", She thought. Just then, did it really sink in that there was no Jemma to enjoy the view anymore. No more mornings where she would get to wake up to that comforting warmth that seemed to radiate from the beautiful Brit. She would no longer be able to enjoy her scientific ramblings, the lilt of her voice, the twinkle in her eyes, the way her smile gets a fraction wider when talking about things that Skye has no idea about. She would no longer hear that laugh that, as cliché as it sounds, made her feel like everything was going to be okay. She lost all of those things that came with the amazing package that was Jemma Simmons and it was all her fault.

"_It's not your fault, love. Please don't blame yourself"_ Skye knew that those were the words that Jemma would have told her, if she knew what Skye was thinking at the moment. Those were the exact words she would always tell Skye when something went wrong or when Jemma was hurt in a mission. Those were pretty much the words that came out of her mouth while Skye held her bleeding body to her own. That was one of the things that always surprised Skye, Jemma always seemed to know what she was thinking no matter how much she tried to hide it. Jemma was rarely, if ever, wrong but, in this case, Skye was convinced that she was wrong. It was completely Skye's fault, at least, that's what Skye chose to believe.

She couldn't stop the flashbacks that came while she was slumped against the wall on the hospital's rooftop.

* * *

_They were lying in Jemma's pod. The bed was barely big enough for one person, let alone two, but they made it work. It gave Skye the perfect excuse to clutch Jemma closer to her, so she really wasn't complaining and it gave Jemma a perfectly logical reason for why she was half lying on top of her girlfriend, so she really wasn't complaining, either. They were enjoying the comfortable silence and each other's presence when there was a knock on the door followed by Fitz's voice telling them that they would be landing in 20 minutes. That was their cue to get up and get ready. _

_The mission was simple, really. Get in, get the information about Hydra and Centipede, get out. The warehouse the were going into was already abandoned so it was supposed to be pretty basic and non-threatening but, for some reason, Skye couldn't seem to shake off the uneasy feeling that settled in her chest. Her girlfriend seemed to notice her unease and stopped putting her boots on and scooted closer to Skye._

"What's wrong, sweetheart?" no matter her unease, the term of endearment never failed to make her smile and this time was no exception. "Nothing", Skye was quick to reply.

"Skye..", her tone was concerned.

"It's nothing, Jem. I'm just nervous, for some reason. It's really just me being weird", she chuckled to prove to her girlfriend that it was nothing.

Jemma crawled onto her lap and straddled her girlfriend, letting her arms settle on her love's shoulders. She kissed Skye softly and when they pulled apart she looked into her girlfriend's eyes, "It's okay to be nervous, love. I still get nervous every time we have a mission, especially ones where you're out there and I have no way of knowing if you're okay. Everything will be okay. It's a pretty basic mission. We'll be back on the bus before you know it. Come on, we have to go".

She got off Skye's lap and resumed putting on her boots while Skye did the same thing. 

_They were on their way to the location when Skye spoke up again. Trip and Fitz were in front of them, May was driving with Coulson riding shotgun, and they were sitting next to each other in the back. Skye was holding Jemma's hand and playing with her fingers when she decided to speak up enough for her girlfriend to hear her. "Hey, Jem. What do you say we have a date night when we get back to the bus? We can have PB&J and watch terrible reality TV", she quietly laughed while she waited for Simmons' answer. "Date night sounds lovely but how about we rethink a few details, yes?" they both chuckled at that. "Yeah, sure, let's ta-" whatever she was going to say was cut off by May informing them that they had arrived. Jemma squeezed her hand, kissed her cheek and smiled softly at her before saying, "Let's go"._

_They were in pairs. Trip with Fitz, Jemma with Skye, and May with Coulson. Trip would go with Fitz to the basement to see if the few machines there were still of any use, May and Coulson would keep surveillance of the place. Skye and Jemma would go to the labs to retrieve anything that could lead them to Hydra or give them an idea of what they were planning. They were just finishing up when May's voice cut through the silence, "Get out now. Hostiles headed in your direction". Skye unclipped her gun and went to get Jemma who was just in the next room. Just as she was about to go out in the hall to get to Simmons', she heard the men headed in their direction. Skye crouched behind a table and looked at the glass separating the two rooms to see that Jemma had also done the same._

_She was signaling for Jemma to quietly go to the elevator at the end of the hall, when the first shot rang out. The men had seen them. Jemma was returning fire when she looked back at Skye. She was expecting her girlfriend to be returning fire too but when she looked at Skye, she was just sitting there, crouched behind the table, wide unseeing eyes and quick short breaths. She started looking for the fastest way to get to Skye. She stood up and started running towards Skye's location, all the while trying to dodge bullets. She finally got to her girlfriend and instantly knew that she was having a panic attack. Skye hadn't had one for a while but Jemma knew exactly what to do from all the nights when Skye would be transported to the basement by her own mind._

_Jemma held Skye's face in her hands, trying to get her to come back to her, "Skye, baby, it's okay. We're not in Italy. Quinn's gone. Come on, come back to me". Slowly, Skye seemed to regain a little of her wits back, "J-jemma?"_

"Yes, it's me. We need to get out of here, okay?"

"Jem, the bomb", skye whispered to her.

_She had completely forgotten about the bomb that they planted to make sure Hydra couldn't use the base again. She looked down at the timer to see that they only had 3 minutes left to get out before the place blew up._

"Skye, we need to go. Now", Jemma tried to keep her voice calm.

Skye tried to get up but fell down, her legs giving up on her at the moment, "Jem, I can't get up. Just go. Get yourself to safety".

There was no way in hell she was leaving Skye behind. She put Skye's arm on her shoulder and together, they ran toward the elevator. Jemma kept one arm wrapped around Skye's waist and the other pointing and shooting at the men. They finally got to the elevator and they rushed to get out of the building. Not even five seconds after they got out they heard the explosion. The others were already waiting for them. May and Coulson looked a little beat up, May had a split lip and Coulson was sporting an impressive shiner. Fitz and Trip just looked like they ran a marathon, which probably wasn't really that far from the truth.

_They were all assessing each other's injuries when a quiet "S-skye" came from beside Skye. Jemma had a hand on her side, right where her ribs were. She removed her hand from its position on her body and looked at it, then looked up at Skye. Skye caught the English doctor just in time. May instantly got everyone in the car and headed toward the nearest S.H.I.E.L.D medical facility while Coulson already started calling for help. Skye held her girlfriend's body close to her while Fitz applied pressure to her wounds. _

_She put a hand on her love's cheek,"Jemma.. Jem, look at me"._

_Simmons focused her eyes on her girlfriend and tried to smile._

"_Skye, I-I'm so-sorry"_

"_What? Why are you sorry?"_

"_We might ha-have to r-reschedule that d-date"_

_Skye laughed a watery laugh, at that. Of course, that's what she would be worried about right now._

"_That's okay, Jem. I'll just have to plan a better one, then"_

_It was at this moment that the biochemist started coughing up blood._

"_Jem.." Skye was helpless. She just hugged her closer and prayed that they were close._

"_Skye.. I n-need you to li-listen, okay?" Skye just nods._

_Jemma raised her hand to cup her girlfriend's cheek._

"_N-none of this w-was y-your fault. P-please don't b-blame yourself. I w-would make the s-same d-decision every time, i-if it meant that y-you were s-safe" Every word sounded like it was too difficult to take the breath necessary to get it out. _

_She then went to hold Fitz's hands that were still trying to stop the bleeding. Fitz looked at her and she just smiled at him. It was like they had an entire conversation in the few moments of eye contact. Fitz started crying and went to sit beside Trip who held him while he sobbed. _

_She was taking more labored breaths when she put her hand on the back of the hacktivist's neck and pulled her down for a kiss. She pulled away and rested her forehead on the other girl's. She looked her in the eyes. Her eyes were getting more unfocused by the second._

"_Jem.. please.. just stay with me. We're almost there. We're going to get help, okay? Just stay with me". She was sobbing but she couldn't care about that right now. All that mattered to her was the girl in her arms._

"_I love you, Skye" her eyes focused, as she said this. Right before her eyes fluttered shut._

* * *

She remembers the vehicle stopping a few moments after Jemma's last words. She remembers her being rushed inside through doors where she couldn't enter. She remembers the waiting. That was the part she hated the most. There was no news, no one was talking to them, no one was telling them shit. Skye was by no means a religious person but she prayed. Prayed to whoever was listening to save Jemma because the world needed more people like her. Prayed that her world wouldn't completely crumble. When the doctor came out, that was exactly what happened. Her world stopped spinning and completely shattered.

Up on that rooftop, she cried. She was crying so hard she didn't notice Fitz walking up to her. She didn't notice when he sat down next to her. She only noticed him when he wrapped an arm around her shoulders and hugged her to him. She let herself be hugged by the man, burying her face in his shoulder. When she finally caught her breath, she realized who was beside her and instantly went to pull away.

"You shouldn't be comforting me. You should be mad at me."

At that statement, the engineer shot her a confused look.

"What are you talking about, Skye? Why would I be mad at you?"

"I'm the reason this happened. I'm the reason you lost your other half. It's my fault that she's dead!" She looked away from him, too scared to see his reaction.

"Dead? What? What are you talking about?" He was completely confused, by this point.

"Weren't you in there? Didn't you hear what the doctor said? Her heart stopped during the procedure" She choked up at the statement.

"Skye, weren't **you** listening to the doctor? She's okay. Jemma's heart stopped during the operation, yes, but they were successful in reviving her. She's a fighter. She's stable now. She still isn't awake but they allowed someone to sit with her and everyone agreed that it should be you." She couldn't believe what she just heard. She was so sure that she would have to figure out how to live without the brilliant scientist that she was having a hard time believing what Fitz had just said.

Skye just hugged him and he wrapped his arms around her. "I don't blame you, you know? It was no one's fault but the guy who pulled the trigger"

"Thanks, Fitz", she kissed him on the cheek and smiled.

"Come on, then, I'm sure you really want to see her already", he helped her up and they started their journey to Simmons' room.

When they got to her room, Skye went to stand beside her bed and just looked at her. She was too pale. There were too many tubes and wires sticking out of her. She looked so small in the hospital bed. Skye noticed all of these things but what she focused on was the steady beep resounding around the room. That was the only important thing to her. She sat on the chair beside Simmons' bed and held her hand. Fitz squeezed her shoulder and told her that him and the others would be back in the morning. She just smiled at him and nodded. When they were finally alone, she held her girlfriend's warm hand and started talking to the figure on the bed until she was too tired to force herself awake.

* * *

It took three days before Jemma finally woke up. When she did, Skye was on the chair beside her bed, the post she never left since the night she started sitting there. She was asleep with her head on the bed. Jemma ran her fingers through the sleeping girl's hair. The action brought Skye back to the waking world.

"Mmm. Jem.." she fluttered her eyes open then closed them again. After a few seconds, she bolted upright.

"JEM! You're awake!" She had to stop herself from squeezing the girl, remembering her injuries.

"Hi, sweetheart", the scientist chuckled at her girlfriend. Skye placed a kiss on her hand and sat on the edge of the bed. She started running her hands through Jemma's hair, prompting the other girl's eyes to flutter close.

She placed a gentle kiss on the scientist's forehead and proceeded to rest their foreheads together. The other girl slowly opened her eyes. They looked into each other's eyes before the hacker whispered a soft overdue, "I love you, Jemma Simmons" in her ear.


End file.
